Back to the Basics

DDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I fuckin miss acting!!!!! Why the hell do I have learn things the hard way. I'm done talking I need some action in my life baby!!!! No one gets it but
I need to be the one who receives and passes it out. I'm a good actor and can be great when I get back to basics. 2009 is the year of rebirth and I need to push my skill out and start to do what I love again in order to survive. I have been wondering why I can't sleep and why I'm not as happy as I use to be and now I see why I don't do anything entertaining anymore. Nothing on campus that suits me jus right like Mosaic did. I felt so at home it wasn't even supposed to be real. I feel like I'm on another planet cuz the artistic connection isn't there right now but I'm goin to get it back as soon as God tells me too. I believe God had me take a break from art in order for me to see that I need it to do what I want to love to do. God wants me to be a leader in this world and create my own occupation for the world to see me and observe and admire what I bring to the table.

I love myself, I believe in myself, I know myself, and I'm a genius.

2009 New Everything?

I don't know why but on December
25, 2008
I decided that in 2009 everything had to change. I
have no explanation for this idea but it feels GOOD. I
feel like it will be a lot of work to change and be more focused on myself. This is my change list:

Weight -50 or so pounds

Hair

Style

Decide on my major

Decide on my school

Get a job!

Become more independent

Get a boyfriend

Learn how to play the piano

Join an organization

Do community service

Spiritual connect with myself

Get back into theater or do poetry shows

Study fashion

Redecorate my dorm room

Get along with people better

….

That's not really it.

I don't think it's a lot of stuff but it sure will keep me busy for the year…especially the weight thing…

I
need to get spiritually connected so everything can happen.

Love me. Teach me. Be me.

Impressing yourself

*No Judgment*

Why are women so afraid to impress themselves? If you want a companion you need to be happy with yourself before you make anyone else happy. Doesn't that make sense? I know that is the reason I haven't found a boyfriend yet; I haven't made myself happy, I don't hang around people that make me feel happy, and I'm not taking care of my goals. (There is a difference between taking care of business and taking care of your goals) I have so many people who look up to me and it's a disservice to everyone who is remotely liked to me, for me not to live for myself first.

So let me start this over again…lol…

I'm the shit. Weird thing is I just found out at 4:50 in the morning. After a brief session with myself, I fell in love. It wasn't the best sex I have every given myself but it did hit the spot and gave me a clownish smile from my…orgasm. I can give myself mind scattering orgasms w/o all the hoopla everyone is always talking about. It probably took me 5 minutes to get warmed up and about 5 minutes to make myself smile. I'm still shaking from it occasionally. Why haven't women realized that they can give themselves the best feeling or feelings in the world! There is only one man who has given me an orgasm worthy of putting me into an insane asylum and I definitely plan on marrying him. However, my next step is to find a woman who can give me that insane orgasm…lol…The journey begins!

WAIT while I'm on this journey I need to be able to give these orgasms to other people. The blessing is no good if you can't share it. I know I pretty good at head. However sex really doesn't amuse me but I force myself to do it just for the record. I get nothing out of sex except well stretched inner thigh muscles. I love head for myself and giving it is a pain but I feel it is my service sometimes.

I hate feeling obligated to have intercourse b/c it's the norm. Why can't you just give me head and let me on my way or hell let it be equal.

2009…Its M!M! Time!

Mad…

I feel capitalized upon because I am doing work in a factory where I can't feel the sun.

A gold place is waiting for me, where I'll be higher then everyone, the mary jane in dreams aren't filled with hay grass and strawberry seeds.

The deeds I sign to myself make me believe the soul of Kunta Kentay is hard to conceive.

But with the soul of Kunta Kentay will I ever be perceived as a lady, your baby, or your wifey to be.

Cuz as a lady, you see I have a constant fear of negativity and its really starting to get to me.

My house isn't big enough

I can't get to work soon enough

The baby isn't old enough

And my man can't provide that much

But I love my life regardless cuz the sidewalk doesn't crumble beneath us.

Do we believe us?

Between the "Nigga please"

And the "O my Jesus I can't believe this happen to us , please save me!"

Just look at Katrina.

Everybody was surprised to be criminalized for sumthing they didn't create otherwise.

Uh, this is wise. Find some guys with nice suits and ties give them a meaningless name and see how far they rise. WHOA r u surprised by the disguised same damn corner boys u saw selling bean pies. I demise the rise of materialism to prove that I have a system a wealth.

The health of the society is kind of bothering me cuz every young man I see has a red flag to me.

Be who u want.

flaunt wat u bought

but don't let pretty legs turn your pride into a slump of heartache and reconciliation.

Don't let the disease be your appreciation.

The levees break so we get put on punishment so we can't facilitate.

I demonstrate the world of the hungry middle class

we ridin in benz

But now can't afford the gas

Who had nice couches

But now can't afford the paper for they ass

Crash ! goes my future cuz the industry is taken over

God forgive me for not looking for a job cuz I was staring at a rover

I jus wish my dreams could take ova and make life a big want so I never have to need

Feel the bleeding of my cousin as the mac hits his knees

Please lord please make me conserve all the feels I think I deserve

Cuz liberation isn't a concentration for revolutionary actions any more

Beauty

Who the hell are you to call me ugly? No, really! People are so quick to judge your immediate appearance and so slow to take their foot out of their mouths. We have all been in the situation where we have seen someone who is really unattractive at first sight but as you talk to them and get to know them you begin to see the real beauty in them. Weird how that works, huh? Judging appearances at first sight is human nature; however, the harsh criticism that goes along with is acquired. I say if you don't have anything nice to say then you're a hater…Which seems to be pretty true most of time. Usually when I have something negative to say I am feeling pretty down and inadequate compared to my female or male counterpart. Confidence is a bitch sometimes! You love her when she's up and hate her when she's down. Anyhow, true beauty is a choice that many can't make because they can't figure it out. I have seen some truly beautiful people in my time and its only because they have beautiful minds and everything seems to fall in place for them. Beauty isn't a game of luck it's a business of choice. Everyone has the opportunity to be beautiful everyday if they put in the work. I don't mean work as in hair and makeup and expensive threads but faith, work, and laughter. Yeah I said laughter! Laughing makes everyone look that much more attractive. That doesn't mean you go to class and start laughing during the teachers lecture to impress Ricky Bobby, but don't take yourself so seriously. Lighten up! Consider thinking harder about your faith. That is what makes your confidence. Tap into your spiritual guide when you don't need anything and see what happens with your mental. You will be a lot happier and less stressed.

LOVE.LIVE.LAUGH.

Sexuality

As I start my transformation for 2009 I have to bring up the topic of sexuality. I'm beginning to love my body and sexual
organs a lot and for a long time I have been confused as to why people make a big deal about sexuality. I have been raised in a family where it really didn't matter about other's sexuality at all. In most African American families people make a big deal about sexuality as if that is what makes a person good or bad. My mom and dad have always had homosexual men and questionable (lol) women around me so I have never really felt uncomfortable. Now that I'm coming into my womanhood I have questioned my own sexuality and I have observed that my confidence has a lot to do with how I feel about the opposite sex and the same sex. Some people are so homo-phobic that it's irritating and uncalled for but a lot of the times these people are envious because they have sexual hang ups that don't allow them to see the other side of sexuality. I'm not going to lie there are some things about certain sexual philosophies that I don't get and don't agree with but if those people where my peers I wouldn't look at them differently, seriously. I would of course ask questions and try to understand so I don't offend them but other than that it's their life, not mine. If people just understood a little about sexual history and the evolution of sexuality I think more people would be more acceptable of sexual acts and possibly partake in them.

I love my body, mind, and soul; therefore, I will love ANYONE who accepts that and mirrors those beliefs.

Priorities in life and in love

After watching Alexyss K Tylor I thought about the role that my womanhood plays in my life. Then I began to realize that my womanhood shouldn't play a role in my life it should be my life and everything else should play a role. People shouldn't be allowed to shake my worth, I shouldn't have to answer to anyone when it comes to me taking care of myself and making myself happy. As I am becoming more in tune with my sexual being I'm starting to feel my inner worth, insecurities, and intuition. Going away from home brings about a lot of problems in young women because they are scared to be their own woman. Either their mother never taught them or they aren't confident in their ability to please people through their womanly instinct. Many people aren't comfortable by themselves, why is that? This problem is b/c people don't know when to say no to others and when to say yes to themselves. We have to remember that we come before others and before others come our education, business, and family.

In life being confident in God and yourself allows one to have a prosperous, fulfilling life. Life is a stage, God is the director, and he has blocking that we will never know about; however, the show will always be Tony award winning. I break my life priorities by levels, and these are the levels: God, Myself, family, business/ education, and friends. As my life changes and I learn more about the environment God put me in, I will probably change my levels, and that is ok. I must be honest; my life is not in that order right now. Friends, me, education is the order of the levels and it is proving not to work at all. Pleasing other people before you know what pleases you is detrimental to your personal growth. We all have goals and dreams and the only way we can achieve them is by putting life in order. We have to put life in order based off of our present lifestyle, past experiences, and future aspirations.

LOVE.LIVE.LAUGH!